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i went to the witchdoctor...

***warning: this entry covers subject matter which is completely distasteful, on a personal level about the aftereffects of my child birthing experience. Do not read this entry if you suspect you may have problems meeting my eyes later... That is all***

ok, so I had a third degree tear when I had my baby. That means that I had a tear through the tissue of my vaj all the way through the muscle of my sphincter. FUN, EH? Even worse is a 4th degree tear, which I won't bother to define, but believe me.. its worse. So believe it or not, this tear has actually been the biggest problem for me, post pregnancy. The doctor, actually his resident, put in two sets of stitches. One set for the muscles on my 'insides' and one set to close up the 'outsides' and provide a nice normal cosmetic effect.

Well, somewhere in the process of post-partum life, I managed to rip through, out, something, the outer stitches. and then when the rest of everything healed up, I wound up with this little flap of tissue where there should not have been one. Basically, it was a little flap of my insides, which had somehow made it to the outside. Its not any specific piece of my insides, just some tissue. But it was a friggin' inconvenient piece of tissue as it made things mighty uncomfortable.. like wearing clothes. that was really getting to suck with all the minor pain and all that.

So when I went to my next check-in with the nurse/mid-wife, I pointed it out. And she called in another nurse/mid-wife who had more experience, to come look at it. And then she said "I'm going to pinch it. You let me know if it hurts." at which point she did, and I said "I can feel that." Which lead to a small discussion between the two wherein they decided that since there was sensation in the tissue flap, that their initial plan of cauterizing the thing with silver nitrate and burning it off, was a bad idea.

I was like WTF? Silver nitrate? Burning IT OFF?? EH???? but hey, no problems, right? Because they decided not to do that. Instead, my nurse/mid-wife referred me back to the doctor who initially had the stitches put in. So I got an appointment and in a couple of days, I was in his office.. and he was checking out my stuffs.

One thing I really like is when the doctor is training someone and they narrate out what they're doing. Because you, the patient, sometimes hears more about what is going on than you normally would. And my doctor was doing that. So I'm listening to him trying to educate his nurse:

"You see, that is what she (he's referring to me) is talking about. That right there is preventing her from intimacy. So what we're going to do is cauterize it... No, we won't have to cut it off. Nature will take care of that after we cauterize it, but we can cut it off now if she wants."

At which point I have to say something, "Are you going to remove the flap?" And he indicates so. And then I say "Isn't that going to hurt?" And then he says:

"You went through a 40 hour labor. After that, you going to let a little thing like this stop you?"

ughh.. ok.. I guess this is his way of saying its not so bad. HA-HA-HA.

It fucking hurt! It hurt when he cauterized it with silver nitrate and it fucking hurt when he cut off the flesh!! Now, to be clear, it did not hurt as much as labor. And since I've done several things painful things without the aid of a local anesthetic, I can be quite specific here. It hurt about as much as getting a tattoo, specifically if you get one that goes over a bone and they hit that part where they go over and over the same spot and its starting to feel like the needle is abrading through the skin.. That's how much it hurt. Less than getting a cavity drilled without a pain-killer, more than a lot of other things.

Anywho. I was quite bitter when I left the office. I have good medical insurance you know. I could definitely have afforded some local anesthetic, you know!! but whatever, I went home, bitched to the loml, decided not to show him, and then settled into a hot bath and soaked a bit.

but I have to tell you, after about 4 - 6 hours, I felt a whole lot better. My bits felt the best they had ever felt ever since this whole 'baby birthing' thing went down. So I was quickly reconciled to today's events and was trying to make sense of them to my sister.

I told her what happened and then said, "It makes me wonder if I'm paying for something. You know? Like I've done something really really awful, and now I'm paying for it. Maybe this is like how Buddha spent all those lives dying as different animals in different ways, so that he could understand suffering. Maybe that's what I'm doing now. Suffering so I can understand others.. except doing it all in one life."

and my sister looked at me and said, "No. That's not it. You've got buddhism wrong."

and I was like "oh. oh well."


Follow-up: Please note that a third degree tear is not common. So don't worry, this probably won't happen to you.

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